6 Steps towards Intentional Mothering

My daughter came home from school and immediately started picking on her younger brother. She started playing with his cars, taking them in the other room, playing keep-away with them, calling him names. Meanwhile, I’m helping my older daughter with her homework, unable to focus with all of the yelling from the younger two. My immediate reaction, in an agitated manner, was to take the cars from her hand and yell at her to go to her room. Ugh, there it was, my knee-jerk reaction to quickly shut-down the chaos. I didn’t take the time to stop and consider why she was acting this way or talk her through how her actions were unkind and hurtful.

What is intentional mothering?

Intentional mothering will look a little bit different for each of us, but the essence of it is taking the time, even when we don’t have the time. Let’s face it, we are busy. We fill our schedules and end up spending less and less time with our kids. There are some parents who do this purposefully and relish in the fact that they don’t have to be with their kids. I’d like to encourage us all to make an intentional effort to take time and make time to effectively parent our kids. We need to remind ourselves that God has given us these precious children as gifts in which we need to be good stewards by cultivating, sowing, nourishing, fertilizing, thinning and pruning them as they grow.

What is my motivation behind being intentional?

I think back to when I was a child. I had wonderful, attentive parents but many of my classmates did not. Many had parents going through a divorce or parents that would fight all the time or parents that didn’t take interest in their lives. I desire that my kids would grow up knowing and feeling loved. I want them to become resilient, mature adults that know how to regulate their emotions and communicate effectively. I don’t want to be the one to hinder them on their journey through childhood into adulthood. Rather, I want to be someone that supports them.

Picture a tomato plant cage. Contrary to its name, it is not there to hinder the plant, keeping it from flowering and bearing fruit. It does the opposite. It keeps the plant up off the ground - away from pests; provides better air flow - preventing disease; supplies more sunlight - providing more nourishment. Overall it translates to more and better fruit. Isn’t that what we want for our kids? Without it, the plant would fall flat, exposed to disease, mold, pests, struggling to grow upright. Below are 6 action steps towards intentional parenting that will, in turn, help our children grow.

6 Actions Steps Towards Intentional Mothering:

1. Cultivate (Spiritual growth)-Cultivating the ground is preparing it for what you are about to plant. Matthew 13:23 talks about seed that falls on good soil and how it will yield crop 100, 60 or 30 times what was sown. Our little ones need to be grounded and rooted in this rich, good soil, which is their faith. We can prepare the ground through family or personal devotionals, getting involved in church groups, taking part in missions projects/trips and so on. It is important to establish this at the ground level, first and foremost.

2. Sow (Show affection)-Sowing is the process of scattering the seeds. Every seed is a little different in the way you plant it. Some need to be planted 1” deep and 6” apart, others are only 1/4” deep 12“ apart with the soil gently compacted above. This needs to be done with tenderness and care. Our children need the same genuine affection from us on a daily basis. They need eye contact as we talk with them to show them we are present in the conversation. They need touch so they feel our love. They need words of encouragement to hear our love. Try to give them 15 minutes a day of undivided attention so they understand their importance in our lives. This affection will give them confidence in themselves and affirmation of who they are becoming.

3. Nourish (Satisfy their essential needs)- To nourish means to provide with substances necessary for growth. Our children have basic needs that need to be met. Shelter, food, water, sleep, safety and love. Without proper nutrition and essential needs taken care of, they will not be able to focus. They will be struggling for survival. Just as God is committed to providing for our needs (Matthew 6:25-34), we need to be committed to providing for our children’s basic needs as well. Take time to make sure they have a good nights sleep, well-balanced meals, safety at home and at school, so that they can grow without hindrance.

4. Fertilize (Relational growth)-Fertilizing is adding nutrients to enrich the soil beyond the basic. Our kids grow into stronger and more well-rounded adults through experiences and relationships with you and others. Ensure they have time playing with friends, cousins, grandparents and take part in extra curricular activities, such as going to the park, being on a sports team, visiting a museum or baseball game. These moments of relational interaction will help them mature, it will culture them, it will bring forth communication skills that they will need later in life.

5. Thin (Limit Distractions)- To thin means to remove weeds to allow for more growth. Think of all the ways our kids are distracted these days-phones, iPads, gaming systems, computers, etc. Our job as their parents is to give them limits and then help them understand the why behind our limitations. Kids often mistake the lack of screen time as punishment, when in reality, it is to give them more room to grow. It allows them more time to grow in the ways stated above through relational growth-spending time with people and partaking in authentic experiences.

6. Prune (Discipline)-The act of pruning is cutting away branches/stems to increase fruitfulness and growth. We as parents cannot shy away from discipline. Proverbs 19:18 says, “Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death.” This is a tough one. Discipline isn’t fun for the kids or us as parents. Each family will discipline their kids differently…and within the family, some kids need to be disciplined differently than the other kids. There are many ways to go about this, but the take away - it has to be done or we will be a willing party to their demise as adults. Without it, they won’t bear as much fruit as they potentially could have if we had just taken them time to guide and instruct them through discipline.

The goal isn’t to be perfect. In fact, it is good for our kids to see us mess up from time to time. It shows our vulnerabilities and that they aren’t alone in the growth process. It’s a chance to show them how we can apologize gracefully and ask for their forgiveness. This was the case with my daughter above. Shortly after everyone cooled down, I went to her room and had a heart-to-heart, apologizing for my short temper and explaining to her how her actions affected her brother. At the same time, I needed to remind myself of how my actions will shape who she becomes one day. I just needed to take the time to get to know my child. I needed to assess her body language in the moment. For her, body language is an indicator as to what is going on in her mind. When she shows signs of stress, whether it's crying, acts of aggression or tantrums, it tells me that she was maybe dealing with stress most of the day at school. That is why she was acting out the moment she got home.

God has entrusted us with much… and with much we must be good stewards. Let’s take the time even if we don’t have the time and give our little tomato plants the support they need. We can do this!

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What ways are you intentional in your parenting? Was there a time you over-reacted to a situation? How did you resolve it? What benefits have you and your kids experienced from your intentionality?

Come again, stay longer!

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