One Simple Question

Recently, my husband and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary. Wow, the years have flown by! As I reflect on our marriage, I realize that our relationship has come relatively easy for us. Not easy. But relatively easy. Every relationship takes work, persistence, and good communication. Today, I thought I would share with you one simple thing that we do and how it significantly enhances our connection.

Let’s get right to it…it comes down to a simple question:

“What three things do you need from me?”

That’s all it is, one question and three responses. We keep it simple so that it isn’t overwhelming for our spouse to achieve.

We do this every 6 months to a year, or when one of us senses a need. There may be changes in your life that cause a shift in your needs as well. Maybe you moved, changed jobs, or had a baby. Your needs can be general or very specific. Below are a few examples to get you started:

Examples:

1. Do something-organize closet/storage, pick up toys before I get home from work, clear the kitchen counter each night, go on more date nights, have a weekly discussion about life/reflection/calendar, surprise me with flowers/gift, be off the phone during family time, have more family dinners, help put kids to bed, etc.

2. Understanding-speak words of praise about me to others, acknowledge my feelings about XYZ instead of trying to fix them, keep me accountable by reading the Bible/working out/calling family members, etc.

3. Touch-hug or kiss when get home from work, show more affection when around other people, hold hands when we pray, spend more intimate time with one another, etc.

Ground rules:

Use “I” statements. As you are talking through your needs, do not pass blame on your spouse, or negatively describe things. For example, instead of saying, “You don’t help at all with putting the kids to bed, I have to do it all by myself, it makes me angry,” try saying, “I have been struggling with getting the kids to bed at night and I feel stressed about it. I could use your help at bedtime, brushing their teeth and getting them to bed.” Remember, this is a time to express what you need and how you could use some support…not what your spouse is doing poorly. It’s important to tell your spouse how to help and what it would mean for you to help- what impact it would have on you. For example, “It clears up my mind, it helps me not feel so overwhelmed, it would help me feel more connected to you, etc.”

Foundation of Love. We both understand that we must set ourselves aside and consider what the other person is thinking. We understand that whatever comes out of our mouths is out of love and not from a place of disrespect or annoyance. It is always to help improve the other person. We want to be encouraging one another to be the best version of ourselves. Iron sharpens iron - that is precisely what our goal is.

How this simple question enhances our connection:

1. Improves our Trust-Trust is the bedrock upon which all successful relationships are built. Good communication establishes and reinforces this foundation. When you and your spouse openly share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns, it creates a safe space where both of you can be vulnerable without fear of judgment or rejection. Honest communication breeds trust as it shows that you are willing to be authentic and transparent with one another.

2. Strengthens our Emotional Intimacy-Emotional intimacy is the deep bond that goes beyond the physical aspect of a relationship. It is about truly knowing and understanding your spouse’s emotions and needs. By sitting down regularly and expressing three things you currently need from each other, you create a way for emotional intimacy to flourish. This practice allows you to be attuned to your spouse's changing desires and helps you respond in a supportive and caring manner.

3. Cultivates our Empathy and Understanding-Good communication is a two-way street. It involves not just speaking honestly but also actively listening to your spouse. By regularly sharing your needs with each other, you are fostering empathy and understanding. As you both strive to fulfill each other's requests, you become more attuned to each other's perspectives and feelings, creating a deeper sense of emotional connection.

4. Nurtures our Appreciation and Gratitude towards one another-Often, in the hustle and bustle of daily life, we forget to express our appreciation for the little things our spouses do. By setting aside time to share your current needs, you also open the door to expressing gratitude for the efforts your spouse is making to meet those needs. This sense of acknowledgment can go a long way in strengthening your bond and creating a positive and supportive atmosphere within your relationship.

Sitting down with your spouse regularly and sharing three things you need from each other provides a powerful mechanism for staying connected and attuned to each other's changing needs. Remember, good communication is not just about speaking; it is equally about listening and empathizing. So, try it out! Ask your spouse ‘What 3 things do you need from me?’ and witness the transformative power it can have on your relationship. Together, you can build a love that withstands the test of time.

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How do you and your spouse communicate about your needs? In what ways do you connect well? In what ways could you connect better?

Come again, stay longer!

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